How would you rate your level of communication with your spouse? What would you say is your communication style? How much of it reminds you of how your parents have been communicating with each other & you have unconsciously brought a similar style to yours? Most importantly: How effective has it been?
Research on what makes marriage work indicates that happy and healthy couples demonstrate a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative behaviors in their relationship.
This means there are five times as many positive interactions between happy couples (i.e. listening, validating the other person, using soft words, expressing appreciation, affirmation, physical affection, compliments, etc.) as there are negative (i.e. raising one’s voice, stating a complaint, or expressing one’s anger).
Tips for improving the quality of communication in your relationship:
Be intentional about spending time together talking. The average couple spends only 20 minutes a week talking with each other. Turn off the technology and make it a point to spend 20-30 minutes a day catching up with each other.
Use more "I" statements and less "You" statements. This decreases the chances of your spouse feeling like they need to defend themselves. For example, “I wish you would acknowledge more often how much work I do at home to take care of you and the children.”
Be specific. When issues arise, be specific. Broad generalizations like, "You do it all the time!" are not helpful.
Avoid mind-reading. It is very frustrating when someone else acts like they know better than you what you were really thinking.
Express negative feelings constructively. There will be times when you feel bitterness, resentment, disappointment or disapproval. These feelings need to be communicated in order for change to occur. BUT - How you express these thoughts is critical. “I am really disappointed that you are working late again tonight,” is very different from, “You clearly do not care one whit about me or the kids. If you did, you would not work late every night.”
Listen without being defensive. For a marriage to succeed, both spouses must be able to hear each other’s complaints without getting defensive. This is much harder than learning how to express negative feelings effectively.
Freely express positive feelings. Most people are quick to express negative feelings than positive ones. It is vital to the health of your marriage that you affirm your spouse. Positive feelings such as appreciation, affection, respect, admiration, approval, and warmth expressed to your spouse are like making deposits into your love account. You should have five positive deposits for every one negative. If your compliments exceed your complaints, your spouse will pay attention to your grievances. If your complaints exceed your compliments, your criticism will fall on deaf ears.
(excerpt is taken from: https://firstthings.org/keys-to-effective-communication-in-marriage)
Effective communication takes time to put in place and to develop. Just as we are not the same the day we got married, the same goes for the way we have been communicating with our spouse and those around us - it grows and matures. If you feel there is room for improvement, allow yourself time to make the changes. Likewise, if you sense that your spouse is trying to change his/her way of communicating, allow a period of adjustment and encourage him/her with gentle reminders as well as affirmations.
If your communication with your spouse could do with some change but you don't know where to begin the change, why not speak to our Counsellor? Contact us at 62588816, email contact@alife.org.sg or book an appointment online at https://www.alife.org.sg/book-online/counseling-service
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